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Outonbail Translates Nigerian Spam

The following, is another correspondence from Nigeria, with each sentence or paragraph of information, translated by Outonbail, from Nigerian nonsense to American reality, for the benefit of those Americans who may not have had the opportunity to understand such a complex culture or who are incapable of reading between the lines on their own. So, the American translation, is displayed in parenthesis and clearly readable between the lines This should make it easy for the mentally lean person to understand what is actually being offered.

From the Desk of:

(From the grass & mud Hovel of)

DR PATRICK AKAPO.

(Derranged Rebel aka Pee On)

NIGERIAN NATIONAL PETROLEUM CORPORATION
LAGOS NIGERIA.

(Nigerian National Pitiable Claims Corporation Lardass Nigeria)

4th May, 2004.

(Received on the 12th May, 2004. Yes, 8 days later,,,,, and you think your dial up service is slow.)

Sir,

(Sucker,)

ATTN: MANAGING DIRECTOR(CEO)

(Or any one of the 20 million Americans who Iíve sent this spam to and who are not capable of generating a prudent thought.)

Your contact was given to me by a friend who was once on diplomatic mission in your country

(I hacked your E-mail address from some careless monkey spanker, who hosts your favorite Porn site.)

upon my enquiry for a reliable firm/person to engage in business.

(Upon my never ending quest to separate some fool from his $$$$)

The same gentleman guaranteed your reliability and trust-worthiness in business matters.

(I spent some time on that porn site myself and I must say, Kudos on your choice!)

I therefore wish to explain this lucrative business intention for our mutual benefit, though I did not let that friend have the real idea of my intended business proposal due to the level of confidentiality which the transaction demands.

(I donít dare chance the backdoor to that porn site closing up.)

I am chief accountant with ?Nigerian National Petroleum Corporation? (NNPC) headquarters in Lagos- Nigeria.

(Iím so sure of this, Iíve included several question marks subsequent to my impressive title?)

I am in a position to remit the sum of $30,000,000.00 (THIRTY MILLION POINT ZERO ZERO UNITED STATES DOLLARS ONLY) into a reliable foreign account for our personal use.

(Make that THIRTY MILLION TIMES ZERO ZERO! Those of you who may not be much good with math, this would be an excellent time to get out your calculator)

This sum of $30,000,000.00 originated from a deliberate over-invoice (in the contract payment voucher) of total value of contracts awarded to some foreign contractors for the supply and erection of petrochemical and pipeline equipment to ?NNPC? refinery, Finnima, in Rivers State of Nigeria in 1994.

(Some foreign contractor supplied rivers from his refined erection to pipeline ? NNPC?)* *(Nasty Nose Pickin Clown)

With the view that as soon as the bonafide contractors receive their full contract payments, we claim the balance for our personal use.

(Balance being thirty million times zero zero)

The contractors who executed the relative contracts have since been paid their full contract sums leaving the $30.Million floating in the federated account of ?NNPC? with the Central Bank of Nigeria, secured as credit/payment to a foreign contractor.

(This is where it gets deep, so best to roll them foreign contractor pants up past the ?knee?)

It is therefore due for us to claim this balance sum as final phase payment to a foreign contractor but we cannot accomplish this without collaborating with a foreign firm into whose account this sum will be ransferred as the beneficiary of the fund.

(Hey, we all know how difficult it can be to ďransferĒ thirty million floating federal zeros.)

Moreover, as civil servants, we are not allowed to operate foreign accounts. It is to this effect that I have been mandated to communicate this to you for maximum assistance/co-operation.

(Moreover, I wouldnít want to risk losing my civil servant position over mandating a measly (THIRTY MILLION POINT ZERO ZERO UNITED STATES DOLLARS ONLY) Why, at today's exchange rate, thatís only four billion, ninety five million Naira! So how is that going to provide the basic necessities required for a comfortable jungle retirement? Have you priced insect repellant or a snake bite kit lately? Theyíve skyrocketed!)

For your understanding, we (partners here) have solidified and perfected arrangements to push out this fund legitimately on legal grounds in such a way that no risk of partners on either sides is involved. We have made careful and necessary arrangements for the smooth transfer of the fund to your account as would be provided.

(We have made careful arrangements to smoothly push out a perfected, solidified tansfer. Hey do you smell something or is it just me?)

For your assistance, we have agreed to compensate you with 25% of the whole sum to be transferred to your account and 5% set aside to replenish expenses incurred in the process of the transaction while 70% comes to the officials on my side.

(Oh boy, 25% of zero! I can hardly wait to collect interest on it. Please, tell me more!)

Let me know immediately, your interest and willingness to enable me furnish you withthe modus operandi of the business.

(Let me know immediately your willingness to receive the business.)

Please send your reply through this email or the e-mail addresses above for more information.

(Please send your reply for more information. This information will have you traveling to their lawless country with some ďGood FaithĒ money. Then, just as your about to strike it rich, you get hit on the back of your stupid head, robbed of all your money and maybe even held captive until your family sends more good faith money so your captors release you. But donít feel so bad, you do leave there with, ď25% of THIRTY MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS multiplied by ZERO ZERO!)

Yours Faithfully,
DR PATRICK AKAPO

(Who would believe this is what the good faithful Dr. has in store for you huh? and to think he sounded so sincere when promising you all those millions,,,,,, so much for Nigeriaís civil servants making my Christmas card list this year!)

(In closing, it is important for everyone to realize that opportunities like this donít come around too often, at least not more than two per day. But it has been known to take as much as a week to again receive such an incredible offer. My advice, stick with Ed McMahon and the publishers clearing house for your free million, if for no other reason than this, While Ed may use your good faith money to get drunk, youíll find it as an excellent opportunity to escape, with nothing more than a lump on your big dumb head. Then you can go out and get a freekin J.O.B. and take your lumps locally, like the rest of us. You may not make a million, but your family wonít lose thousands coming to your rescue either!)

Sincerely presented by,

Outonbail

Yes, thatís right, Outonbail,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
please, donít ask. Just realize that sooner or later, we all make a poor choice. That is why Iím providing this information, so you donít make one with some criminal from Nigeria. If you feel you must hand your money over to a criminal, Iíll be more than happy to oblige you in the task, without you even having to leave the country! So keep that in mind and have yourself a so-so, or even a semi-good day. After all, you deserve it.

Bye now.....................