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Outonbail
Translates Nigerian Spam
The following, is another correspondence from Nigeria,
with each sentence or paragraph of information, translated by Outonbail, from
Nigerian nonsense to American reality, for the benefit of those Americans who
may not have had the opportunity to understand such a complex culture or who are
incapable of reading between the lines on their own. So, the American
translation, is displayed in parenthesis and clearly readable between the lines
This should make it easy for the mentally lean person to understand what is
actually being offered.
From the Desk of:
(From the grass & mud Hovel of)
DR PATRICK AKAPO.
(Derranged Rebel aka Pee On)
NIGERIAN NATIONAL PETROLEUM CORPORATION
LAGOS NIGERIA.
(Nigerian National Pitiable Claims Corporation Lardass
Nigeria)
4th May, 2004.
(Received on the 12th May, 2004. Yes, 8 days later,,,,,
and you think your dial up service is slow.)
Sir,
(Sucker,)
ATTN: MANAGING DIRECTOR(CEO)
(Or any one of the 20 million Americans who I’ve sent this
spam to and who are not capable of generating a prudent thought.)
Your contact was given to me by a friend who was once on diplomatic mission in
your country
(I hacked your E-mail address from some careless monkey
spanker, who hosts your favorite Porn site.)
upon my enquiry for a reliable firm/person to engage in business.
(Upon my never ending quest to separate some fool from his
$$$$)
The same gentleman guaranteed your reliability and trust-worthiness in business
matters.
(I spent some time on that porn site myself and I must
say, Kudos on your choice!)
I therefore wish to explain this lucrative business intention for our mutual
benefit, though I did not let that friend have the real idea of my intended
business proposal due to the level of confidentiality which the transaction
demands.
(I don’t dare chance the backdoor to that porn site
closing up.)
I am chief accountant with ?Nigerian National Petroleum Corporation? (NNPC)
headquarters in Lagos- Nigeria.
(I’m so sure of this, I’ve included several question marks
subsequent to my impressive title?)
I am in a position to remit the sum of $30,000,000.00 (THIRTY MILLION POINT ZERO
ZERO UNITED STATES DOLLARS ONLY) into a reliable foreign account for our
personal use.
(Make that THIRTY MILLION TIMES ZERO ZERO! Those of you
who may not be much good with math, this would be an excellent time to get out
your calculator)
This sum of $30,000,000.00 originated from a deliberate over-invoice (in the
contract payment voucher) of total value of contracts awarded to some foreign
contractors for the supply and erection of petrochemical and pipeline equipment
to ?NNPC? refinery, Finnima, in Rivers State of Nigeria in 1994.
(Some foreign contractor supplied rivers from his refined
erection to pipeline ? NNPC?)* *(Nasty Nose Pickin Clown)
With the view that as soon as the bonafide contractors receive their full
contract payments, we claim the balance for our personal use.
(Balance being thirty million times zero zero)
The contractors who executed the relative contracts have since been paid their
full contract sums leaving the $30.Million floating in the federated account of
?NNPC? with the Central Bank of Nigeria, secured as credit/payment to a foreign
contractor.
(This is where it gets deep, so best to roll them foreign
contractor pants up past the ?knee?)
It is therefore due for us to claim this balance sum as final phase payment to a
foreign contractor but we cannot accomplish this without collaborating with a
foreign firm into whose account this sum will be ransferred as the beneficiary
of the fund.
(Hey, we all know how difficult it can be to “ransfer”
thirty million floating federal zeros.)
Moreover, as civil servants, we are not allowed to operate foreign accounts. It
is to this effect that I have been mandated to communicate this to you for
maximum assistance/co-operation.
(Moreover, I wouldn’t want to risk losing my civil servant
position over mandating a measly (THIRTY MILLION POINT ZERO ZERO UNITED STATES
DOLLARS ONLY) Why, at today's exchange rate, that’s only four billion, ninety
five million Naira! So how is that going to provide the basic necessities
required for a comfortable jungle retirement? Have you priced insect repellant
or a snake bite kit lately? They’ve skyrocketed!)
For your understanding, we (partners here) have solidified and perfected
arrangements to push out this fund legitimately on legal grounds in such a way
that no risk of partners on either sides is involved. We have made careful and
necessary arrangements for the smooth transfer of the fund to your account as
would be provided.
(We have made careful arrangements to smoothly push out a
perfected, solidified tansfer. Hey do you smell something or is it just me?)
For your assistance, we have agreed to compensate you with 25% of the whole sum
to be transferred to your account and 5% set aside to replenish expenses
incurred in the process of the transaction while 70% comes to the officials on
my side.
(Oh boy, 25% of zero! I can hardly wait to collect
interest on it. Please, tell me more!)
Let me know immediately, your interest and willingness to enable me furnish you
withthe modus operandi of the business.
(Let me know immediately your willingness to receive the
business.)
Please send your reply through this email or the e-mail addresses above for more
information.
(Please send your reply for more information. This
information will have you traveling to their lawless country with some “Good
Faith” money. Then, just as your about to strike it rich, you get hit on the
back of your stupid head, robbed of all your money and maybe even held captive
until your family sends more good faith money so your captors release you. But
don’t feel so bad, you do leave there with, “25% of THIRTY MILLION UNITED STATES
DOLLARS multiplied by ZERO ZERO!)
Yours Faithfully,
DR PATRICK AKAPO
(Who would believe this is what the good faithful Dr. has
in store for you huh? and to think he sounded so sincere when promising you all
those millions,,,,,, so much for Nigeria’s civil servants making my Christmas
card list this year!)
(In closing, it is important for everyone to realize that opportunities like
this don’t come around too often, at least not more than two per day. But it has
been known to take as much as a week to again receive such an incredible offer.
My advice, stick with Ed McMahon and the publishers clearing house for your free
million, if for no other reason than this, While Ed may use your good faith
money to get drunk, you’ll find it as an excellent opportunity to escape, with
nothing more than a lump on your big dumb head. Then you can go out and get a
freekin J.O.B. and take your lumps locally, like the rest of us. You may not
make a million, but your family won’t lose thousands coming to your rescue
either!)
Sincerely presented by,
Outonbail
Yes, that’s right, Outonbail,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
please, don’t ask. Just realize that sooner or later, we all make a poor choice.
That is why I’m providing this information, so you don’t make one with some
criminal from Nigeria. If you feel you must hand your money over to a criminal,
I’ll be more than happy to oblige you in the task, without you even having to
leave the country! So keep that in mind and have yourself a so-so, or even a
semi-good day. After all, you deserve it.
Bye now..................... |