RANTCON (Rant Condition)
I figured that since Tom Ridge unveiled his color code for the terrorist conditions, I would have a color code for the various rant conditions. Based on the type of news, there are various types of degrees of rants that can occur. The red, orange, yellow, green, and blue colors are very overused in smog, hurricane, forest fire, and now terrorist threat levels. I decided to use other colors, so that when you hear what color the RANTCON is in, there is no mistaking it for another threat or for another color. This chart gives an explanation for each color:
Condition Coral - awful
This is when something so unbelievable occurs, you have to look out the window for the four horsemen of the Apocalypse.
Example: Britney Spears announces she's pregnant AND still a virgin.
Condition Goldenrod - extreme
This is when something pretty unbelievable occurs, yet eventually, you find you must accept it and figure out how to move on from there.
Example: Someone offers John Ashcroft a record deal.
Condition Lemon Chiffon - "middle"
This is when something dumb occurs, but you sort of thought it might actually happen, so you aren't really caught all that off guard.
Example: President Clinton to take on Ken Starr in Celebrity Boxing.
Condition Cornflower - cagey
This is when something happens that you thought wouldn't happen, but you sort of knew it would happen sooner or later.
Example: Mike Tyson kills someone.
Condition Chartreuse - low
This is when you knew something was going to happen, and you have your rant all ready to go when it occurs.
Example: Robert Downey Jr arrested for drug possession.
So, how will you know what RANTCON we are in? Well, you can tell from the tone of the rant. What, you don't like that idea? Well, hey - if the government doesn't have to have a plan for how they plan to inform the public, then I don't need one either!
But unlike the government, though, I will give you a guide of what to do in each situation.
Condition Chartreuse - Everything is normal. You can rant about it, but chances are that you will have ranted about it already or something similar to it, so you have to really consider if it is worth wasting the bandwidth on it.
Condition Cornflower - You hoped it wouldn't happen, but it did and you really aren't that surprised. Probably not worth a whole lot of bandwidth, but is probably worth at least a mention.
Condition Lemon Chiffon - This is when you say, "What? It actually happened? I was just kidding about that!" The fact that you joked about it, though, means that it had at least occurred to you that it might actually be a possibility. This requires a rant the next day.
Condition Goldenrod - This is something that never occurred to you, and if it had, you certainly never would have thought it could occur. This is one of those situations where you have to re-read an article or replay a broadcast to ensure that you heard and saw everything correctly. This requires a rant that same day.
Condition Coral - This is something so mind-bogglingly improbable that you are temporarily rendered incapable of ranting. It's so mind-numbingly shocking that every rant comes out like "what the f--- happened?" This requires an immediate rant, but you are so sure that the end of the universe is around the corner, that you wonder if you should even bother wasting the time trying to compose a rant. In the end, you decide a rant is most certainly called for, or else you run the risk of spontaneous human combustion.
Anyway, this is our new RANTCON system. I hope it helps you decide when rants are appropriate, and what you should do in the event you feel a rant coming on.