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Operation CUPS

"A national system for concerned workers to cover up indecent and obscene statues"


Operation CUPS (Cover Up Pornographic Statues) was introduced in February 2002.  This document contains information about the background and purpose of the program, a list of people invited to participate in the program, specific information about the system, reasons why you should participate, and frequently asked questions.


This program is being developed by the Department of Justice as a part of the Citizen Corps.  The program was conceived in February 2002 under the name of "John Ashcroft's Crusade for Decency 2002"  for the stated purpose of creating a national system for covering up pornographic statues nationwide.  The program is scheduled to be operational in the fall of 2002 as one of the new Citizen Corps programs.

The initiative's design is based on our beloved Attorney General's crusade to stamp out pornography starting at the government level.  In February 2002, Attorney General John Ashcroft stepped up and decided that he would boldly stand against the evils of perversion by ordering curtains to be placed over the filthy obscene naked statues in his own building.  Now, he wants YOU to do your part to cover up these offensive images

Mike with naked women statues
This is the kind of perversion that Operation CUPS hopes to stop!

Adele with naked man statue
What is wrong with this picture?  Everything!


Everyone is invited to participate in Operation CUPS.  There are three basic categories: informers, sewing-ers, and hangers. 

Informers are the core of the program.  These are decency-loving citizens who make it a point to visit so called "art museums" and "sculpture parks" looking for pornographic statues.  This is one of the most dangerous jobs for participants in Operation CUPS, as you will be exposed to these filthy statues with your own eyes.  Operation CUPS recommends the wearing of dark glasses to obscure as much of the pornography as possible, although there is no way to prevent one from seeing such indecency.  Informers can rest better knowing that by finding these so-called pieces of "art," they can make America a much better place for the children of the future.

The term "sewing-er" was coined by our beloved President Bush when he gave his approval to Operation CUPS. Sewing-ers are the dedicated men and women who volunteer to sew together the curtains that will be used to cover up the offending sights.  Just as Betsy Ross sewed together the first American flag, these proud Americans will continue the tradition of sewing for their country.  (After all, we don't want to purchase these curtains from China like those Army berets!)

Then, the final role is the hanger.  This is the person who has the critical duty to hang the curtains over the offending statue.  (Sorry; lynchers will have to apply under one of the other programs, as our hangers ONLY hang curtains.  But don't worry - in this war on terrorism, there will be plenty of opportunities for other hangings...)


The system works like this:  informers find local statues in their area that they deem offensive.  Remember, statues of war scenes are NOT offensive; we are only targeting the most foul of statues, those with naked breasts or genitals.  A soldier spearing another man with a saber is not nearly as offensive as a woman showing nipples. 

The informers call the Operation CUPS hotline, who will put them in touch with a sewing group who will take the dimensions of the statues as they begin to prepare the curtains.  Remember, bigger is better when it comes to statues; some of those male statues are hung like horses and the female statues can look bigger than Dolly Parton!  The sewing-ers will craft curtains from the highest quality AMERICAN textile materials.  The curtains must be able to withstand weather and the inevitable liberal "art lover" who will attempt to expose the statue's offensive parts (and being that they were made with quality AMERICAN products, they will be unsuccessful).  Remember again, bigger is better!

Then, the hangers will come.  While many local police may object to the curtains, kindly remind the police who is in charge of this Federal operation - the one and only John Ashcroft.   As he showed those freaks in Oregon who voted and passed a measure to allow critically ill patients to have doctor assisted suicides, John Ashcroft, not the state government, calls the shots in America.  When reminded of this, the local governments should step aside (or remind them that they risk a visit from the FBI and US Marshals who will move them aside, hint hint).


Pornographic statues distract people from various things, such as being afraid of terrorists, creative accounting practices by large campaign donating corporations, preventative clear-cutting logging, and recognizing the terrible threat that Saddam Hussein presents to America.  While most Americans should be on the lookout for the thousands of Middle Eastern terrorists lurking behind every bush, it is hard for Americans to concentrate on finding terrorists if they are too busy oogling at breasts on display in our public places!  Covering up these statues is not only the decent thing to do, it also will help save us from future terrorist attack!


Q:  My children play in a park where there is a statue of a woman with an exposed breast.  How can I keep my children from viewing such a terrible sight?

A:  Contact the Operation CUPS hotline and inform them of the offending statue.  It should be covered up within days.  Until that time, keep your children away from the park. 

Q:  Do I have sew curtains to cover the entire statue?  Why can't I just sew a bikini for the statue to cover the breasts while leaving the rest of the statue visible?

A:  You are one of those people who find nothing offensive about bikinis.  Bikinis are only slightly less offensive than nakedness.  What, you think a thong would keep people from thinking impure thoughts upon seeing one of these wicked statues?  No, we must cover the statue entirely!  That's what Mr. Ashcroft has commanded!

Q:  Why don't we just destroy the statues?

A:  The Taliban destroy statues.  We are better than the Taliban.  We just cover them up.  It's much better, see?