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The Best of Gizz's Page 2002

by Georgia Maclean-Henry aka "Gizz"

12/20/02 -

A Christmassy Joke of the Week:

It is Christmas Eve and this chap is on a rooftop about to jump off. His
wife is leaving him for another man, he has lost his job and he owes
thousands of pounds to the bank. Just as he finishes his prayers and closes
his eyes, ready to jump, Father Christmas taps him on the shoulder.

"Are you OK?" asks Father Christmas. The man explains why he is so miserable
and gets ready to jump. "Stop!" shouts Father Christmas. "It is Christmas, I
will grant you three wishes to solve your problems on the understanding that
you will grant me a small favour in return!" "Would you?" the man replies.
"That would be wonderful!!...Thank you, thank you!"

Father Christmas promises him that:

1. You shall go home in 1 hour and your wife will be dressed in her sexiest
underwear, begging for forgiveness and longing for your return, she will
have no recollection of her new boyfriend.

2. You shall go into work tomorrow, sit at your desk and continue with your
work. Your salary will have increased by 50%. Also, nobody will have any
recollection of your sacking.

3. You shall go to your bank and you will be ten thousand pounds in credit,
you will have no outstanding bills.
"Oh thank you, thank you!" says the man. "What is it that I can do for you?"

Father Christmas asks the man to drop his pants and bend over. After a quite
brutal rogering, which made his eyes water, Father Christmas asks the man
how old he is. "36" replies the man. "Ho, Ho, Ho, You're a bit old to
believe in Father Christmas aren't you!?" chuckled the fat gay bastard in
fancy dress.

11/8/02 -

So I'm eating a bag of salt and vinegar crinkle crisps and I find THIS:

Do my eyes deceive me or does this crisp have a PONYTAIL?????

11/7/02 -

My cousin used to be so mean to me. She used to boss me about, sit on me,
and steal my stuff. Once she sprayed my arm with deoderent and put a lit
match to it! I still have the scar....
And if we ever played 'Let's Pretend' she'd always be a rich, beautiful
business woman, and I would be the evil pet goblin she kept locked in a

Its not much different now.....

11/4/02 -

Halloween. We get dressed up like fools, we go out, we get pissed. Sounds like my kind of night!
I actually took the day off on Friday in preparation for my probable hangover. However I didn't get as pissed as I had expected.
But then how could I with the incompetent idiots they had serving behind the bar?!
I know I had fangs in and all, but this girl must've been bloody deaf AND stupid.

I asked for a Vodka Iron Brew, and what did she give me? A bottle of fizzy orange juice. Yes, orange juice - and non-alcoholic too! Do I look like a fizzy non-alcoholic orange juice type? I don't think so. So I politely inform her she got it wrong, and she needs to go get me my Vodka Iron Brew. Could she BE anymore argumentative?

"You said orange juice!"
"No, I said Vodka Iron Brew!"
"No, you said orange!"
"I know what I said - and it wasn't orange!"

She then goes and gets a bottle of what I wanted. Hurrah! I think. But no, it's not to give it to me, it's to SHOW me that I didn't order it!!

"Look see? Iron Brew."
"Yes, that's what I wanted!"
"No, you didn't say that."
"Yes I did!!!"
"No, sorry."
"Look are you gonna give me what I ordered or not?"
"No, ‘cos you didn't order it!"
"Well I'm ordering it now!"
"Well, I'm not gonna serve you now."

And then she walks off!

So I have a bottle of fizzy non-alcohol orange juice. I don’t need alcohol to get me in a crazy party mood, but it’s just the principle of the whole thing. I wanted alcohol. And THAT is what I shall have! I decide to get a vodka and orange. This way I can pour the fizzy non-alcoholic orange into the vodka, and all will be well again. Simple solution.
Knowing that the silly bint probably won’t serve me again, I get my friend to go get it. Almost unsurprisingly she has the misfortune of having a similar problem to me, and even after much argument, was left with a vodka and coke, instead of a vodka and orange.

Lovely. Now I have a bottle of fizzy non-alcoholic orange juice, and a glass of double vodka and coke. Dare I mix the two and end up with a disgusting mix of barely alcoholic evilness?
The answer is yes. And it WAS disgusting! But it’s Halloween – I should’ve been drinking bat’s blood and eyeball syrup anyway, right?

10/21/02 -

Don’t you just love weddings? You do? Weirdo! Weddings = all the family idiots in one place getting drunk. Great. Ok, so weddings aren’t all bad, with all the free food and free booze etc, but other than that – what’s the point? If I ever get married, it’ll be for the huge gigantic piss up.

So, what the bloody hell is she on about now, you ask.

Last weekend, I went to London for a wedding. To be specific, a wedding between two people I’ve never met before. Oh hoorah! It might be ok though – I’m going with the boyfriend and his family, so I won’t be totally on my own. It might even be fun……..right?
So we get to the hotel and it looks like….well, it looks “rustic”. Basically it shouldn’t have been called a ‘hotel’. I would have called it a ‘shit-hole’, but never mind – it has a roof, so it’ll do.
We ring the doorbell and this guy with a scruffy blue jumper opens the door (the word ‘redneck’ springs to mind…). He stands in the doorway, staring at us and then says: “Come in! Come in! Yes, Come in!” and beckons to us to cross the threshold. *Shiver*
It’s not that much better inside. The ‘Reception’ is obviously a former lounge that is filled completely with junk. There is a chair piled with rubbish right in the middle of the room, and I’m not sure I want to know what those stains are all about……
But the room is ok – a few more weird stains, and a photo of two very butch looking women stuck to the mirror, but what did I expect?

The wedding itself was what you’d expect from a quite religious couple. Church, hymns, Bible readings, Winnie-The-Pooh readings…….. (I swear my pentagram tattoo started burning as soon as I walked in) It was all very Christian, but not as uncomfortable as I thought it would be, although I almost had a giggling fit when I noticed one of the hymns was one that my best friend and I used to sing backwards at school in an attempt to summon the Devil!
And then there was the Reverend, who nearly burst into tears half way through the service! Hey, dude – you’re not THAT bad!
But the best thing about it was the hats. What is it with weddings and ridiculous looking hats? One woman looked like she’d just stuck a dead cat to her head, and another one had obviously cut up a recycled potato sack, glued a manky feather to it, and arranged it on her head like she was some kind of Picasso masterpiece! I mean this hat was crazy. From one side she looked like a university graduate who lost her cap, so she decided to make another one whilst stoned out of her brain, and from the other side she looked like Napoleon Bonapart!

So anyway, after the wedding, Dave and I wander off to find a nice romantic restaurant to have a nice romantic meal. But alas, these two have managed to get married in the only place in London without a restaurant. The only place to go to get food is Pizza Express, or a place like Pizza Express, only cheaper (and tackier…)
So we end up in the cheap Pizza Express alternative, and try anchovies for the first time…

After almost being sick, we return to the wedding party in the church hall, the entrance to which is draped in massively long blue tinsel. The entertainment is in the form of an Elvis impersonator. Am I in Vegas or what? Not surprisingly we proceed to take huge advantage of the free booze.
A few drinks later and Dave’s sisters and I decide it would be a good idea to rip the tinsel stars off the banister on the stairs and put them in our hair. We then begin to wrap ourselves up in the blue tinsel drapes hanging from the ceiling and proceed to dance. Amusingly, everyone we come into contact with also becomes entangled in the tinsel, and I have the misfortune of being right in the middle of it all. (I also drunkenly declare to everyone that I am the Borg Queen, and that they must go where I go, and do what I do. Funny enough, no one pays any attention, even when I try frantically to head to the bar!)
Eventually, there is a whole bunch of us stuck together with this blue stuff, and we all end up in a huge pile on the floor. After spending a good 10 minutes trying to get up, we decide we must get this blue shit off! (Besides which, we’ve spent well over an hour like this, and we all need a piss BAD!) It takes a further 10 minutes, maybe more, before we’re all free. And this is where we realize we’ve all lost half our jewelry!

So all in all, it was a bizarre experience. And I think Dave, his sisters, and I proved that WE are, in actual fact, the weird drunken idiots of the family!

Bad influence? Moi?

10/8/02 -

Joke of the Week!

Hands up who hates door to door salesmen! (...and saleswomen - gotta spread
the hatred in a politically correct manner these days...)

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be
confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of
your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered
vacuum cleaners."
"Fuck off!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money." and she proceeded
to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it
wide open.
"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my
With that, he emptied a bucket of horse shit all over her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse shit from
your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a fucking good appetite, because
the electricity was cut off this morning!"

10/6/02 -

Gizz and Mike had been discussing the cancellation of Farscape and the prospect of a new Farscape movie.

Gizz:  Yes a film would be cool, but I don't know where Dave heard that. It may
yet prove to be erroneous, but I hope not!!! It's strangely reminiscent of
the Original Star Trek saga though, don't you think? Cancelled after a few
seasons, then onto the big screen......I wonder how many films there will
be. I hope they don't over do it - can you imagine a big fat bald Crichton
and a wrinkly sagging Aeryn??!! Eeeeeeeeww!!

Hee hee! And then there's always the possibility of spin offs - Farscape The Next Generation? Hmmm....

Mike:  And the prequel "Moya" in which we find out that Crichton was not the first human to make contact, but the writers will come up with interesting ways to deflect the fact that they never watched the original series...

Oh, and we can't forget Luxon Space 9, the underrated sequel which in many ways will be superior to the original Farscape!

Gizz:  When Farscape 12 'The Undiscovered Cure for Baldness and Senility' comes out, everyone will remember that we predicted it first!

9/23/02 -

I don't know if you've heard, but starting Jan 1st, 2003 you will no longer be able to use a mobile phone while driving in England unless you have a "hands free" adapter. I went to PC World and they wanted £55 for a headset with a boom microphone for my mobile phone. I have come up with an alternative, working through Office Depot Ltd. These kits are compatible with ANY mobile phone and one size fits all. I paid 8p each because I bought in quantity. I'm selling them for £1. I tried them out on Ericsson, Motorola, and Nokia phones and they worked
perfectly. A photo is attached. Take a look and let me know if you want

Look Ma no hands!

9/9/02 -

Saturday night confirmed my suspicion that some people are just dumb.
For no particular reason at all, my friends and I decided to buy a life-size inflatable Spiderman, dress him up in a Macdonald's uniform, a mini skirt,and a David Seaman wig, call him John, and take him round all the pubs to celebrate his 47th birthday.
And what was the first comment we get on our way down town?
"Oi! Marilyn Manson!!"
What? I'm walking along with a freaking huge, bright blue and red Spiderman doll sitting on my shoulders, and the only thing the moron can think of to say is "Marilyn Manson". The words 'You thick twat' spring to mind.
Anyway. We try to get into our first pub of the night, where our friends are waiting for us. Despite the fact the place is completely empty, the doorman stops us and says we can't come in.
"You'll have to leave that outside."
Eh? Why? What the bloody hell do you think an inflatable Spiderman is going to do in a deserted pub? Do you reckon he's too wasted? Well let me tell you something. He can't get drunk and rowdy 'cos he has no mouth with which to consume alcohol. He's a Superhero, so drugs are definitely out - he can't even smoke, because of the threat of potentially fatal fag burns!!
Oh yes - and he's a blow up doll. What the hell is your problem?!
We all stand there and laugh at the doorman until he realises he's being a fool and lets Spiderman in, and we all have a great night.
But it does make me wonder where these people get their brains. Did they find them stuffed inside the manky, straw-filled head of a battered, old, socially challenged scare-crow? It would explain a lot.

8/30/02 -

When I think of the children's show 'Rainbow', I remember how innocent I was as a child. I'm now beginning to realise why I turned out the way I did!

This is taken from an actual script from the show, kindly given to me by my friend Sam. (I didn't ask where she got it from - I didn't want to know!!) It was part of an episode of Rainbow that was aired to millions of children world-wide. Should we allow such corruption of innocence?

The sketch opens with Zippy peeling a banana.....

Zippy: " One skin, two skin, three skin, four... "
George: " Zippy, where is Bungle?"
Zippy: " I think Geoffrey is trying to get him up."

We see a view of the door and hear Bungle moaning from behind it.

Bungle: " Geoffrey, I can't get it in!"
Geoffrey: "You managed it last night."
Bungle: "I know, lets try it round the other way. Ooooooh, I've got it in!"

Bungle and Geoffrey enter the studio with Bungle carrying a hammer and peg kit.

Bungle: " Would you stick this on the shelf, George?"
George: " I can't reach, you'll have to stick it up yourself, Bungle."
Geoffrey (to camera): " Hello everyone, today we are talking about playing"
Bungle: " Playing with each other, Geoffrey?"
Geoffrey: " Yes Bungle, do you have a special friend that you like to play with?"
George: " Yesterday we played with each other's balls. Are we going to play with our friend's balls today?"
Bungle: " Yes, and we can play with our twangers as well."
Geoffrey (to camera): " Have you seen Bungles twanger?"
Zippy: "Oh I have, I showed him how to pluck with it."
Bungle: " It's my plucking instrument."

Geoffrey asks the audience if they can pluck like Bungle.

Zippy: " I can, I'm the best plucker here."
George: " And I'm good at banging. My peg's hard isn't it Zippy? "
Zippy: " Well of course it is, Your peg wouldn't go in if it was soft."
Geoffrey: " Let's get back to Bungle's twanger."
Bungle (excited): " Oooooh Geoffrey, we could all play with our twangers couldn't we? Let's play the plucking song. Rod and Freddy can get their instruments out and Jane has got two lovely Maracas."

Singers Rod, Freddy and Jane enter.

Freddy: " We could hear you all banging away"
Rod: " Banging can be fun."
Jane: " Ooooh yes, and I was banging away all last night with Rod and Freddy."
Freddy ( looking sad ): " Yes, but it broke my plucking instrument."
Rod ( to Jane ): " Do you want to blow on my pipe while I'm twanging away?"
Jane: " Oh no, I was banging away with Freddy last night. But would you like to play with my maracas? "
Zippy: " No, let's just pluck away with our twangers."
George: " Yes, it doesn't matter what size our twanger is."
Zippy: " I've got a big red one."
George: " I've only got a tiny twanger. But it works well and I like to play with it."
Geoffrey (to viewers): " Well, have you got your twangers out! ? And remember, you can bang your balls at the same time. If you haven't got any, ask a friend if you can play with his. Now, let's all play the plucking song."
Everyone in studio: " Pluck, pluck, pluck along, we're going to pluck all day."

8/28/02 -

One of the greatest British presenters of all time has to be Jeremy Beadle. He was so..........well, annoying! I don't know anyone who liked him - in fact everybody I knew HATED the guy. He had a face that resembled a squashed weasle's arse, his voice sounded like a nasal fart and he had the talent of a particularly uninteresting plank of wood. But somehow he managed to stay in the lime light, making millions, and that's what makes him so amazing.
But what happened to him? Why did he suddenly disappear into oblivion?
My friend Jess sent me this:

Now we know.

819/02 -

Mike:  I found this this weekend.  Why they wanted you to know that they had popcorn chicken on Friday, I don't know!

Gizz:  Wow!! It's got my name on it, and it makes no sense whatsoever!
Coincidence? I don't think so.  Can it go on my page? It SO has to be on my page!

Mike:  No problem, here it is!

8/15/02 -

*** Read text below then look at pic ****

There is a company in Sweden called Locum AB, which owns and manages nursing
homes and other medical buildings.

Locum decided to place an ad to celebrate Christmas and the New Year.

The copywriter at the ad agency suggested, "Why not replace the "o" in Locum with a heart. You know, all sort of cuddly and all?"

This, unfortunately was the result... (see picture)

The CEO of the Nursing Home/Medical Clinics was interviewed about the mistake: His response - "Ah, well. These things happen. And if it helps to fill our maternity wards we don't mind."

Moral of the story - Never trust those Media/Marketing people.

And then this:

Did you ever wonder whether all your toys came alive at night when you were sleeping? And they'd all start talking to each other, and have picnics and parties on your bed. And there was always that freaky-ass clown you used to lock up in your cupboard, 'cos you just knew it was evil, and would try to kill you in your sleep.
Let's take it a step further. Let's imagine ALL inanimate objects come alive at night.
Here's something I've always wondered about: If toiletries could talk, what would they say?

8/13/02 -

Bloody Hell! How many people have tried to run me down by attempting to reverse their car over me? It always happens! Today on the way to work someone did it again! Walking happily along, listening to Dimmu Borgir, looking both ways, wearing bright blue. I'm thinking "Oh, no one will run ME over today - la la la!" And what happens? Some idiot in a suit and a big shiny penis-extention of a car came at me out of nowhere, backwards!! I had to run to get out of his way! People were waving and screaming at him, but he paid no attention. And when he finally finished trying to run me over, I hit the back of his car with my hand and shouted "Jesus Christ! You stupid...bollock..-head!!" (I was going for an angry, hard hitting insult...) And STILL he didn't notice! He just drove away! Crap drivers really piss me off, and I'm an expert on this - I crashed an ice-cream van. So here's a big fat hint I often find very useful when driving: Look BEHIND you when you're reversing!! This helps you to SEE where you're going!! IT ISN'T THAT COMPLICATED PEOPLE!!

The Joke of the Week:

A frog goes in to the bank and approaches a woman who works there.
Her name plate reads Patti Whack.

"Good morning Patti," says the frog, "I'm Kermit Jagger, son of Mick, and
I'd like a £50,000 loan please."
"Right." says Patti, "What do you have for collateral?"
Kermit gives her a small cheap plastic pink elephant.

She examines it closely and tells Kermit she will have to speak to the bank
She goes into the manager's office and says:
"I've got a frog outside called Kermit Jagger asking for a £50,000 loan and
he has given me this plastic elephant for collateral. What should I do?"

The manager replies: "It's a knick-knack Patti Whack give the frog a loan -
his old man's a Rolling Stone"

8/11/02 -

Here's a web site where you can find all the details of anyone's drivers license!

8/6/02 -

I wish, I wish my computer had these.......

7/29/02 -

Here is my joke of the week:

Contagious - a definition.

A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious'. Roland the class swot, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my Mum said it was contagious." "Well done, Roland" says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?" Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious." "Well done, Katie" says the teacher. "Anyone else?" Little Irish Shaun jumps up and says in a broad irish voice, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two-inch brush and my Dad says it will take the contagious."

That so reminds me of something a kid at my school said once. I know it was really funny, but I can't for the life of me remember what it was!! Ah well. Hee hee - here's something else for my page. It demonstrates the follies of being a loon:

I managed to make a complete arse out of myself all last week! First there was Wednesday fun - Me and a bunch of friends went into a busy supermarket. All I wanted was one measly bottle of Dr. Pepper. Should have been an easy experience, however when I went to get out my money I dropped my wallet and all its contents all over the floor. It took ages to pick up all the change, and when I went to put it back in my wallet I accidentally dropped it all and had to pick it up again. At this point there was a rather large and annoyed queue behind me. After finally picking up all the money AGAIN, I paid and hurridly made for the exit. It was a hot day, so I openned the Dr. Pepper straight away. The bastard liquid fizzed up and sprayed out the top of the bottle all over me, and all over my friends. So all that trouble and embarrassment had left me with half a bottle of flat Dr Pepper, and a group of sticky friends.
Then there was this:
Me (exclaiming loudly): "Look Dave - 'Dict Lemonade'! What the bloody hell is 'Dict Lemonade' all about?"
Dave: " says 'Diet'."
Me: "Oh right. I get it now......"

Almost as embarrassing as the time I went to Macdonalds and asked:
"Can I have a Macdonalds meal, please?"..............

7/18/02 -

We had a strike yesterday, and it was the best strike EVER.
I decided to go to work for some bizarre reason, and I'm almost glad I did.
All week I'd been shitting myself about crossing the picket line - I was expecting to be spat on, hit with protest banners and called all the treacherous names under the sun. When I got there, there was indeed a 'picket line', but it consisted of 5 people who all just smiled at me. One even said "Oh, you working today? Ah well - have a nice time!" I sort of stood there for a while waiting for all the insults and violence, but it never came so I went inside.
I was also expecting to have a pretty stressful day, because ALL the phonecalls were going to be redirected to me. I hardly had any calls at all! In fact it was the quietest day at the office I've ever had - some of us actually ended up cleaning our desks out of boredom! (Not me though - I was involved in a plot against a certain infamous office collegue of mine...:-))
In the end I left early with a friend and we spent the remainder of the day getting completely rat-arsed!!
See? Best strike EVER! Can't wait 'till the next one!

7/15/02 -

On Britain's new craze:  Big Brother 3 just won't bugger off. It doesn't matter that I don't watch it, 'cos it's bloody everywhere. It's on the news, it's in the papers, it's plastered all over shop windows and 'I hate Jade' logos are on a scarily large number of mobile phones.
Jade. Everyone's talking about how amazingly grim she is, but nobody is voting her off! It's quite simple people - if you hate her so much, why don't you end your torment and get rid of her? But you can't, can you. You LOVE to hate her! You can't get enough! You enjoy hating her so much, that she'll probably win the bloody thing!
Quite frankly I don't care.
But why oh why, when I get to work and start up my computer, do I get confronted with countless e-mails from friends containing pictures of Jade?? Well, sod it. I'm going to inflict the suffering on everyone else! I give you Jade - The most hated woman in Britain:

(Click for larger images - if you really want to...)

I'm actually quite fascinated with this apparent obsession.
Do you know how many websites are dedicated to this Jade hating cult?
Well, so far I've found, um.....4. But that's 4 too many people!

Click here for a site with a Random Jade Quote Generator:

And in the interests of fairness, here's a site for people who hate the
people who hate Jade!! (This thing really has gone too far!)

So there you have it.
Now, hopefully, you'll understand why some people hate Jade, why some people
like Jade, and why some people really couldn't give a fuck.

On the Triangle Craziness:  I was well impressed that someone sorted out this triangle craziness!  And here was I thinking hideous evil holes were coming to take over the universe and kill us all!

"Think of the shapes in terms of a rectangle. If you added one more of each shape and flipped 'em, you'd have a rectangle, right? WRONG! If you add one more of each triangle, you'd be left with 16 open squares. The mustard and green shapes only take up 15 squares.  Why is this so? The area of the 4 shapes is 32.5 units. If you had an area that was an integer, it would divide cleanly and flip over exactly."

- Kindly explained by Chad via Craig. Thanks to you both for helping quell the panic of millions......

7/11/02 -

Either it's the attack of the Ominous Holes and we're all going to die, or
there is some kind of science thing going on. What do you think?

Can anyone explain it for me?

Gizz's strange puzzle...

7/6/02 -

Recently a group of people in my neighbourhood have started calling my boyfriend Dave “Edward Scissorhands” Why? Because he wears a lot of black. Other than that he doesn’t look much like him!
One of the coolest things about being a Goth is having to listen to the lame things complete strangers shout at you in the street.
Here is a list of the most popular “insults”:

1. “Goth!” Thanks. I’d never noticed I was a Goth before.
2. “Freak!” or “Weirdo!” The height of originality – hey you guys should write a novel!
3. “Marilyn Manson!” Yeah, what about him?
4. (Aimed at the blokes) “You’ve got long hair!” Ten out of ten for observation.
5. “Matrix!” Good film, what’s your point?
6. “Satan!” Oh shit - where??!!!!!

Then there are the curious ones. They usually ask things like “Why do you dress like that?” or “Where did you get your clothes from?” But, inevitably, some people will ask bizarre or stupid questions.
Here are some of the things I’ve been asked:

1. (Pointing at my spiky collar) “What does that do?” Whenever I wear it I’m invisible!
2. (It’s a cold night in July) “Do you wear those trench coats in the summer?”
3. “Do you like all that bondage music?” What the hell’s bondage music?
4. “What happens if you stay in the sun too long?” Er, hopefully I get a tan!
5. (My lips are black, my nails are black, my eyes are black, my hair is black, and I’m covered head to foot in black PVC:) “Are you a Goth?” Actually no – I’m a canvasser for the Conservative Party!
6. “Have you ever sacrificed anything?” No, but I’m thinking about doing so right now…….
7. “What do Gothics do?” Um……You want a life history, or just an average day?
8. “Do you worship Satan?” Who’s that?
9. “You’re a Goth? Does that mean you have to go around kissing dead bodies?” I don’t have to, I just like the thrill!

People will laugh at you as well as with you – But as long as they’re laughing, who cares!

7/5/02 -

On a further trawl through my old and ancient e-mails I found this. It's
exactly how this office makes me feel, and needs to be shared on my page!

A   prayer for the stressed

7/4/02 -

This is Jade from the English Big Brother. Apparently she's one of the most hated people in England right now. I don't watch it, 'cos it's gay. But I can't say I argue about the "Ugly Bint" statement!

Ugly bint

7/3/02 -

> Anyway, here's my joke of the week:
> A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp,
> "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"
> And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and
> asks,
> "Do you want a wittle white wabbit or a soft and fuwwy black wabbit or
> maybe one like that cute wittle brown wabbit over there?"
> She in turn puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet
> voice,
> "I don't fink my pyfon weally gives a phuck!!!"

6/27/02 -

Is there anyone out there who actually falls for spam? I mean there must be, or they wouldn't bother with it, would they? Actually, I know someone who would probably send them money. If he believes they're knocking down the Tower of London to build a 1000 miles-per-hour Anti-Gravity racing track, then he'd believe anything!!

And those sex spams are well dodgy. They get hold of your e-mail address through some ominous web site you didn't even know existed, and then claim you're getting these mails 'cos you're "a member"! Since when did I want to become a member of "Ugly middle aged women who like it up the arse"?!

It is annoying though isn't it - aren't there any regulatory organisations for that sort of thing? That would be a cool job. "Your mission: Seek and destroy the evil Spambots!" Lol!

6/21/02 -

Her Royal Hooliganess!


One is extremely peeved with one's country's result this morning!
As you can see from my attire, I entered into the full spirit of the occasion again!
I hope that all my loyal subjects enjoyed the game, as usual we had the game in hand and then we went and blew it.

Philip is especially peeved with that  'Greasy Haired Scoundrel Rivaldo', because he is, as he so eloquently put it, a cheating scum!

Well, one is awwwf now to send some asylum seekers back home and to have the foreign students kicked out of blessed Torquay. I may then go back down the local public house to knock back a few more sherries to drown the Royal sorrows!

Gawd bless me and here's wishing our boys good luck in their trip home! (Nothing unusual there!)

Queen Liz (in da house!)


6/20/02 -

Sayings and words are great for misunderstandings. Like the whole
Jelly/Jello/Jam debate. Which is which? Jelly in England is the wobbly
colourful stuff. Jello is the raw form of jelly, and jam is the stuff you
spread on bread and/or toast. But after watching American TV shows, I get
so confused - I'm like "So jello is jelly, and jelly is jam. So what the
hell's jam?!"  Anyone care to enlighten me?

A joke:
David Beckham goes to visit his sister, who's just given birth to twins - a
boy and a girl. When he arrives she tells him she'd like to give him the
honour of naming the babies. He picks up the girl and says "That's Denise."
His sister is thrilled "What a lovely name!" She cries "And what about the
boy?" He picks up the boy and thinks for a while before replying "That's

6/17/02 -

So the Queen Mum (bless 'er!) goes up to Heaven and sees Princess Diana.
"Oh my!" she exclaims "Where can I get a halo like yours?"
"Halo?" replies Diana "It's a steering wheel, you stupid cow!"

6/14/02 -

Proof that Football is our highest priority!

Her Royal Hooliganess!

One is extremely chuffed with one's country's result this morning!
As you can see from my attire, I entered into the full spirit of the occasion!
I hope that all my loyal subjects enjoyed the game, even if it was as exciting as one of Camilla's speeches.
Philip is especially pleased that those 'Greasy Haired Argies', as he so eloquantly put it, were knocked out as well!
Well, one is awwwf now down the local public house to knock back a few sherries!
Gawd bless me and here's wishing our boys good luck in thrashing those bloody foreigners!
Queen Liz (in da house!)

6/8/02 -

It is amusing, isn't it. I mean - I hate football. It's a bunch of weedy girly men with stupid hair-cuts running around kicking a ball about for 90 minutes - whats the big deal?? Yeah, I'll watch the England games out of patriotism. But bugger me if I'm gonna get up at 5 O'clock in the morning to paint my face red white and blue and get dressed up in an England flag, just to go down the pub to watch the match between the Former Rupublik of Somewhere-You-Never-Heard-Of and Quislebeeblenonsensekablatistan!! It's just sheer madness!

I laughed when I watched the news. Uri Geller was on there with a picture of David Beckham's foot saying "I want everyone in the country to send possitive energy to the foot. Think healing thoughts about the foot." That was followed by almost an hour of babble about various footballer's injuries, and at the very end the news-reader said "In other news - The Queen is celebrating her Golden Jubilee.....More on that tomorrow. Goodnight." Poor Queen. She only asks for one party every 25 years, and everybody would rather talk about a football game!!!

I guess you're either a fan or your not. There really is no in-between! Biggest problem being also that most of our fanatics are awful brainless hooligans. We get a lot of foreign students in our town, and whenever there's football on they all get beaten up for being foreign - even if it isn't their country who beat us! Bearing in mind that most of the students are kids between the ages of 14 and 17, it's a bit out of order really! Poor buggers. Mind you they can be annoying.........

Lol at the American pride about the World Cup! The strange thing is that if the English were playing an underdog like Quislebeeblenonsensekablatistan, than a lot of us would be routing for them, and not our own team! The English do love a good underdog!

Of course, every time I bad-mouth football SOMEONE always pipes up and says "You don't even know anything about football, so how can you say anything bad about it?!" To which I reply "I also don't know anything about Hitler, but would you complain if I bad-mouthed him?"