by Georgia Maclean-Henry aka "Gizz"
Have you ever thought to yourself “God, I’m so boring! I wish I was a bit more of a demented maniac, or something – just to spice things up a bit, yeah!”
People who know me and my friends have been known to describe us as ‘a little eccentric’, ‘a bit mad’, ‘a few sandwiches short of a picnic’.
But recently I have had a revelation about this: Those people were simply being polite. In fact, they were all lying! We are not eccentric or lacking in sandwiches – we are just completely insane!
Why did no-one tell us this before? Were they scared? Maybe they were…
Using examples strictly based on my own experiences since April 2001, when I met my fellow loonies, I have compiled instructions in how one may become as familiar with the Craziness as we are.
I will add to my list whenever I think no-one is watching…
Crazy Things to do if you’re Bored and/or Crazy.
- Find a number you like (preferably 47) and become obsessed with it.
Don’t worry; I’ve listed some interesting examples of ‘obsessive behaviour’ to start you off:
- Buy all the t-shirts and items of clothing you can with that number on it, or, if that fails, go to a t-shirt printers and get some made. If you prefer, there is always the option of buying an age badge of your number from any good card/gift shop. If they have sold out of your number, make your badge out of paper plates and cocktail sticks.
- Every time you spot your number (whether on your own or in public) point to it and scream “Oooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!” as loud as you can.
- When you go out nightclubbing, steal a girl friend’s eyeliner pencil and draw that number on your forehead. (Don’t use your own pencil, if you have one – such extensive use will shorten the life of you eye-liner for sure.) People may stare at you – don’t be alarmed if this happens. They are simply amazed by how cool you look.
- Get the DJs of any pubs you visit (don’t bother with club DJs – they won’t take you seriously) to announce your preferred number over the PA system as often as you can. Don’t be disheartened if continuous harassment of the DJ gets you thrown out of your local – remember the power of your number, and have faith that the pub landlord will come round eventually.
- Make an occasion of Halloween. Get a pumpkin, carve out the shape of your sacred number, and take it with you when you go out. Remember, you can’t throw away the carved out pumpkin number! Best keep it in your freezer for all eternity so it’s always there to protect you from evil.
- Sometimes a nonsensical word, for instance ‘Toyspens’, can be used in conjunction with your chosen number for added effect. However, be very careful when deciding on your word or you may end up accidentally summoning the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse again.
- If someone asks you “Why??” laugh hysterically and then ignore them for a few days. They’ll soon realise their mistake.
- Cars are a good method of travel during insanity trips – pedestrians will not be able to follow you to carry out any retribution they may feel is necessary.
Remember, though, it does not pay to commit ‘reportable incidents’. Apparently, some people are able to read car license plates!
Here are some suggestions for vehicle fuelled madness:
- First take a tip from those boy racers – driving round and round and round the busiest parts of town with all your windows open, and your music blaring as loud as you can get it is really cool. Good listening material consists of, for example: Big Yellow Taxi, The Little Mermaid Soundtrack; The Sci Fi Album (Make special use of the Dr Who Theme, Ghostbusters Theme, and all the Star Trek Themes) and Michael Jackson’s ‘Thriller’. With ‘Thriller’ it is important to cackle loudly along with the insane laugh at the end of the song
Try incorporating the use of the Vulcan ‘Live Long and Prosper’ hand sign, whilst shouting “Spread the Love!!” at people as you drive past them. (Don’t stick your hand too far out of the car though. One-Handed Jim isn’t called that for nothing, you know!)
- Buy a One Million Candle power torch (or stronger, if you can find it), and keep it in your car at all times. At night it will be your secret weapon (although you will need passengers for this – never shine and drive at the same time):
- Shine your torch out of the sunroof. Whilst in motion your vehicle will appear to be being followed by a mystical beam of light from the night sky! Add to the effect by occasionally looking upwards with a horrified expression on your face.
- As you pass pedestrians, shine the torch directly at them, but only briefly. Watch as they look at themselves in amazement as they glow! Prolonged shining will cause them to spot where the beam is originating from – watch their expression as they realise they are not being abducted by aliens, or being selected by God for some higher purpose, after-all!
(Please note: miss-aimed torch shining will merely blind your victims, and is not as much fun. If this happens, remedy the situation by shouting “I’m Randomising you!!” at them as you pass.)
- Directing the torch at house windows, to cause the residents to look outside to see what the hell is going on is considered cruel. Those people might have been asleep! And what if they’re elderly? Do you want them to have a heart attack and die? Shame on you!! (The elderly should be excluded from all insanity trips for just this reason!)
- For safety reasons, I do not condone the aiming of torches at other car drivers.
3. Invent a crazy dance routine, and a pick a suitable song to accompany it. (Alien Ant Farm’s version of ‘Smooth Criminal’, for instance.) Now whenever that particular song comes on, you and your friends must dance to it, no matter where you are, what the occasion, and regardless of whether you are drunk or not. This will get you instant recognition and respect wherever you go.
Be mindful of your chosen routine though – a dance that consists of frantic wiping of limbs accompanied by the words “NOT GAY! NOT GAY!” will not go down very well in the local gay bar…
4. The use of inflatable individuals is quite common amongst those partaking in a stag/hen night or similar. But they can be used for insane purposes also. The main thing to remember is that your blow-up friend is more effective if there is no particular reason for him/her to be there. An inflatable Spiderman with a wig, short skirt and fishnet tights, or a Gothed-up sex doll, for example, will cause a lot of interest for some reason - especially if you treat them as if they are ‘just one of the guys’. Buy them drinks, chat with them, take them for a good mosh to Rammstein on the dance-floor and generally make them feel loved. Remember: plastic people have feelings too.
If anyone asks “What’s the occasion?” or wonders why you have brought a blow-up doll with you, your response should be: “Why shouldn’t he come out with us – he’s our friend!”
(Note: Take good care of your artificial companion! Jealous people with cigarettes can be a hazard. And be courteous – it is always polite to inform your friend about your wish to deflate him before you do so.)
5. Try to make a visit to your local pub more interesting by swapping personalities with one of your friends for the night.
People you know will take a while to work out what is going on – watch their confused expressions and laugh at them as if they were idiots.
6. After a night out, it is customary for ordinary members of the public to become loud and obtrusive. And as a rule, people on an insanity trip will often get made fun of for being, well … insane. Respond appropriately: If you are sober enough to think of something crazy to say that will make them think twice about messing with your ‘homies’, then say it! It’s your right to be a nut-case!
If, however, you are too inebriated to walk or see, the blowing of a raspberry in their general direction will suffice. There is no ‘clever’ answer to “Tttthhhhhrrrrrrrruuuuppppppppp!!!!”
7. You may wish perhaps to indulge in your own drunken stupidity at the end of a piss-up. This is OK, only if you accept the fact that people will put your insane acts down to you being wasted. For instance, the thievery of a Macdonalds uniform from a washing line is only made insane if you put it on over your clothes in the middle of town and proceed to scream: “DO YOU WANT SOME FUCKING CHIPS WITH THAT??” at passers by.
Remember to be creative – for a practice run, try dancing around a traffic cone or lamp-post with your friends, holding hands and singing:
“Sometimes I think you’re straight!
Sometimes I think you’re gay!
Sometimes I think you’re bisexual –
I change my mind every day!”
8. Meals at restaurants can be made much more interesting, and more value for money, if you make use of the leftover food. One way of achieving this is to create a scene from your favourite film. If, for instance, you choose the popular Lord of the Rings Trilogy, please note that roast dinners make a good reconstruction of Middle Earth. However the size of such a production will require donations from other peoples’ leftovers.
Remember, it is unlikely that you will be able to outdo the special effects of the film itself, but try to be realistic as you can - Peas make amazingly accurate Hobbits, whilst the character of Gandalf the Grey would be much better suited to a gravy covered parsnip.
If you have time, you may wish to animate certain aspects of your finished masterpiece. Be mindful of other eaters if you choose to bring any ‘flying’ creatures to life…
9. Cinemas are also a convenient source of fun for the sanity-deficient. All those people watching …watching …WATCHING!!
It is usually not permitted for customers to bring their bags, or own food into the screen with them. This being the case, take along one whole loaf of bread in a carrier bag. When the ushers tell you that you are not allowed bags in with you, surprise them by taking out the loaf of bread, handing them the bag and walking passed them into the screen.
Next time you go to that same cinema, take with you a carrier bag containing a box of cereal, carton of milk, a couple of breakfast bowls and some spoons.
At the end of the film insist on waiting until all the credits have finished before leaving, and then cackle hysterically at the ‘funny bit’ at the end – even if there isn’t one.
Some ushers will be patient with you, others may not be. Either way they will all think you are crazy. firstname.lastname@example.org